no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Text me some of your sweat
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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