fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
from now on my penis is your penis
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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