just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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