Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
