i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
