fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
