i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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