someone threw a dead crab at me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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