You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
