just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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