I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
