I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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