Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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