That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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