I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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