I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
