Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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