There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
