when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
