Have you finally orgasmed yet?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
