Do you still have your period?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
