hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
