Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize