I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i drank out of a bidet.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just pee around me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
