you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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