wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
