Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
