when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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