His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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