update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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