I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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