me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
