I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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