I feel like I'm in dance class right now
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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