She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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