I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
