Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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