i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
