I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
