They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
