My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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