If that was your dad, he is hot
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
