P.S. I can't hear my feet
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
