I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
