I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
