I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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