I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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