Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
