someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am midnight drunk by noon
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
