I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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