Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
