Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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