Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
