my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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