I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
