i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
