I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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