Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
